The summer transfer window is now upon us and players up and down the country are inevitably linked with big-money moves that, for the most part, are never going to actually happen.
But spare a moment for those players who no one in their right mind would actually want to invest in this summer – no one who actually has a clue what they are doing anyway.
Here’s a list of eight Premier League players who no one is going to want to sign during the summer transfer window.
If he wasn’t earning an astronomical £500,000-per-week, you’d almost feel sorry for Alexis Sanchez. He arrived at Old Trafford last January with plenty of Premier League experience and a record that falsely indicated he was a semi-competent winger.
The first indication that he’d end up being an unmitigated disaster was that Manchester City – headed by Sanchez’s former boss Pep Guardiola – decided that he wasn’t really worth splashing out on. This is despite the fact that the Citizens could easily spend over the odds for just about anyone in the league if they felt like it.
He wants to leave this summer and Manchester United would be utterly insane not to grant him his wish – but who would be crazy enough to actually save him from his Old Trafford nightmare?
Picturing Alberto Moreno within five feet of a football pitch is enough to give any Liverpool fan something which would closely resemble a Vietnam flashback.
The Spaniard didn’t do too badly during his first season in England and there was a sense that, if he could just refine his erratic defensive work, then he’d be a tidy full-back. Spoiler warning for those who don’t know how this tale unfolded: he somehow managed to get even worse.
His career highlights at Liverpool include: forgetting where he was twice during the 2016 Europa League final, attempting and failing to replicate Daniel Sturridge’s already questionable celebration and being pictured walking his dog while riding a segway.
Shkodran Mustafi cost Arsenal £35m. THIRTY. FIVE. MILLION. BRITISH. POUNDS.
The defender has nothing going for him. Arsenal supporters don’t like him, I have more chance at playing for England than he does for Germany ever again and, to cut a long story short, he’s atrociously bad at football.
Arsenal would be insane to even think about planning for his inclusion in next year’s squad, but if they are actually able to find anyone who is desperate enough to take him off their hands, then they’ll have pulled off the best business of the summer.
“Wayne is concerned because he is actually very desperate now to learn as much as he can.”
That quote from Crystal Palace manager Roy Hodgson wasn’t discussing Wayne Hennessey’s desire to hone his goalkeeping skills. It was instead referring to fact that the Welsh keeper was ‘desperate’ to learn about the Nazi regime after he was charged for making an offensive gesture that resembled a Nazi salute.
No one’s going to want to come near Hennessey with a barge pole after that mess and Palace seem to be settled on playing Vicente Guaita in his place.
Everyone had pretty much forgotten that Danny Drinkwater even existed until earlier this year when, somewhat ironically, the Chelsea midfielder was charged for drinking anything but water while driving.
Describing him as a ‘Chelsea midfielder’ is pretty generous considering that fact that he didn’t make a single competitive appearance for the Blues in 2018/19, featuring just once under Maurizio Sarri.
He’s not going to be at the top of anyone’s summer wish list that’s for sure and, if Chelsea’s transfer ban is upheld, then they may be forced to hold on to the former-Leicester man for much longer than they would probably want to.
It’s a good thing Newcastle managed to secure a loan deal for Salomon Rondon last summer, because they wouldn’t have stood a chance at staying up if they had have been relying on Joselu to lead the line.
During his time in England with Stoke and Newcastle, Joselu has managed to rack up a staggering total of ten goals in 67 Premier League appearances, with his previous strike taking place last August.
He’s proven to be a pretty incompetent striker – at least at the top level – and with Newcastle’s hierarchy continually doing their best to aggravate Rafa Benitez, we might even see him back in the starting XI next season.
Andre Zambo Anguissa
If anyone epitomises Fulham’s haphazard approach to the 2018 summer transfer window, then it’s Andre Zambo Anguissa, who was signed on deadline for a scarcely believable £22.3m.
If you’ve ever seen Anguissa play, then you’d probably realise that he isn’t really worth a tenth of that fee. He couldn’t hold on to the ball for more than about five seconds without giving it away to the opposition and seemed to be unwilling to provide any sort of support for the Fulham back line which needed all the help it could get.
Fulham will be desperate to move him on after being dumped back into the Championship, but there aren’t exactly going to be many clubs lining up to prise him away.
Manchester City’s squad is full of talent from top to bottom, yet there is a place in the first team squad for Eliaquim Mangala, who hasn’t made it on to the bench for anyone since February last year.
He was never all that convincing when he was playing regularly for the Citizens a few years ago and, now that they have reached a new stratosphere under Guardiola, his place in the setup seems completely out of whack.
He still has a year left on his current deal and, in all honesty, it wouldn’t be a surprise to see him wind down his contract before moving on a free next summer.