Theresa May has just announced her impending resignation as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. Yeh, BREAKING, and all that.
So, with a list of possible candidates that leaves, well, a lot to be desired, we thought we’d turn to the footballing world, as we have at so many other points in our lives, for salvation.
Only this time, these figures won’t be aiding us in our sporting escapism, but actively helping us escape this dire sh*tshow of a situation we find ourselves in, politically speaking.
The nominees are…
Party: UKICK (United Kingdom Independence Collective Kickers – you know, like UKIP, but they kick stuff)
Campaign Slogan: ’Milkshakes today. Bricks tomorrow. Petrol bombs next week.’
Key Issues: Them Jonny Forriners coming in and stealing our hard-earned playoff spots.
Positives: Errr, he has experience on ‘Question Time’?
Negatives: Faux-philisophical git.
Skeletons: Where to start? The man has a rap sheet longer than the ballot for Thursday’s European Parliament election. Highlights include stubbing a cigar out in a youth player’s eye, like a true man of the people.
[Yeah, well, not all of them are gonna be good, are they? When we say Joey Barton ‘could’ be Prime Minister, we mean it more in the sense that he thinks he could, just like he thought he was the best English midfielder in the Premier League back in 2011.]
Speaking of players Joey Barton thought he was better than: Frank Lampard.
Party: Frank Lampard’s Political Party
Campaign Slogan: ‘Stop crying Theresaaaa.’
Positives: Media trained, good analyst and unlikely to be caught up in an expenses scandal because, didn’t you know, he picked up the whole [Frank Lampard’s] Derby County bar bill after the Leeds playoff win! He was also once rumoured to have been asked to stand as MP for Kensington.
Party: Walkers’ Rights Party
Campaign Slogan: ‘Footballers can politics too!!!’
Positives: Very popular. Takes media trained to a whole new level; as the host of a popular tv show, the guy has clear political chops in 2019. Honest (basically admitted he did a poo on the pitch which, as Australia’s prime minister Scott Morrison has shown, does not preclude yourself from governance) and has kept promises in the past (that bet about Leicester and pants).
Negatives: Do we really want to follow a precedent set by the Aussies?
Skeletons: Did those oversized shorts really count as pants?
Neil Warnock & Sam Allardyce
Party: The British Alliance
Campaign Slogan: [Apparently aimed at the EU] ‘Your sh*t, but your birds are fit’
Positives: A joint ballot provides a nice USP. Hard-nosed motivators. Everyone’s seen the way Warnock can command a room with his swashbuckling oratory style, while Allardyce is bringing both the brains and the brawn. Between them, they’ve worked in almost every county in Britian, so ‘know the country’.
Negatives: Hate referees – so wouldn’t take too kindly to being policed – and have been known to descend into profanity to convey their points. Have publicly supported Brexit and Donald Trump in recent times, with the latter taking place inside a radio booth alongside a bottle of HP sauce. Seriously.
Skeletons: One was once found *allegedly* (as in, falsely) watching inappropriate videos on transfer deadline day and the other famously lost power after an undercover sting operation.
Party: Catalan Independence Group
Campaign Slogan: ‘A Better Spain for Catalunya!’
Positives: Judging by that look, Pep is clearly a man of the people. There’s also been ample proof that guy has serious dance moves, so no chance of a return of the Maybot anytime soon.
Hate all you want, Pep is a legit mover. He’s been dropping these evergreen moves since that video of him cutting shapes at a house party in the 90s. Class is permanent. pic.twitter.com/N694Tnndq0
— Ben Haines (@benhainess) May 22, 2019
Negatives: Central issue to campaign is making Catalan a separate entity from Spain, which is not in the United Kingdom. Unrelatedly, he’s also Spanish *I mean Catalan*, so ineligible.
Skeletons: Questionable human rights record of recent employers, and could feasibly remain in the pocket of Abu Dhabi during tenure…so a bit too ‘same old, same old’ for our liking, perhaps?
Campaign Slogan: ‘This time, we REALLY don’t let it slip.’
Positives: Natural born leader and used to carrying a team on his back. Bound to get the Scottish vote.
Negatives: Creepy smile, ‘me-first’ mentality, terrible party name and prone to costly slip-ups.
Skeletons: Known associate of Brendan Rodgers.
Party: Patience Union
Campaign Slogan: ‘Liberte, Egalite, Eternite.’
Positives: Have you ever seen a football man looks so bloody presidential? Forget British politics, Arsene, you’re heading to the US of A. The thing is, I’ve seen Wenger’s passion for Britain first hand – at the 2016 Euros I watched him passionately sing along to God Save the Queen at the stalemate with Slovakia (genuinely true).
Also, with his philosophical and economical leanings, Arsene Wenger is the closest on this list to possessing a PPE degree from Oxbridge, aka the key to 10 Downing Street. He doesn’t, obviously, but he’s close.
Negatives: A key part of his manifesto is that Prime Ministers cannot serve for any less than 22 years, so some slight dictatorial concerns.
Skeletons: He’s French.